Category Archives: Everything else…

bir dostun ardından…

Aşağıdaki yazıyı 4-5 gun önce yazıp post etmeye içim elvermemişti. Ama 11 yıllık sadık dostum, kızım Buffy artık bizimle değil. Sadece köpek sahiplerinin anlayabileceği bir bağ vardı aramızda. Yokluğunu çok hissediyoruz. Binlerce sabah – tam 3000 küsur- sevinçle beni karşılayan ve yolcu eden evimizin ferdi artık yok. Her köpek sahibi, ilk köpek alırken bilir ki, muhtemelen kendisi o canlıdan daha fazla yaşayacak ve er geç o gün gelecek. Buffy vucudunu saran kanserle aylarca savastı. Son 20 gun cok yoruldu, bir gram yemek kabul etmedi vucudu ve sürekli serum takviyesi yaptık. Artık yemek yiyemez, yürüyemez ve köpek gibi kaliteli yaşayamayınca onu bu acıdan erkenden kurtarsak mı diye çok düşündük. Düşünürken acaba bir ümit var mı diye tedavilerden cevap bekledik. Aşağıdaki yazı işte o son günlerden. Çok iyi veterinerle, çabalarken bir sabah çok güçlü bir krizle karşılaştık. Koşarak veterinere yetiştirdik. Artık gözleri korkuyor ve çok çok yorgun olduğunu gösteriyordu. Ne kadar güzel yaşadıysa, o kadar da güzel bir ölümü haketti Buffy. Çok zor da olsa, daha fazla acı çekmeden en sevdiği ve güvendiği 2 insanın yanında uyuyarak bize veda etti.

İnsanların çok daha büyük acılar yaşadığı bu hayatta, bir köpek için bu kadar mesele edilir mi diye düşünebiliriz. Ama geçtiğimiz yıllarda bazı yakın çevremin bildiği travmalar bile, beni Buffy’yi kaybettiğim güne duyarsız yapmadı. İnsan kalbinde herkese yetecek kadar yer var sanırım. Ve birini kaybedince, onun acısı ayrı oluyor.

Fotograftaki gibi, bir gün hepimizin gideceği meçhul yerde koşup oynadığını ümit ediyorum.

Buffy and Bono @ Shelby farms… Memphis, TN

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GITMEYE HAZIR 😦

Son günlerde sabahları, köpeğim Buffy’nin gözlerine bakmak için uyanıyorum. Genelde sabah normal insanlar uyanıp tuvalete girer, yüzünü gözünü yıkar. Bizim evde ise sabah saatleri için fazla neşeli ya da ağlayan çocuklar, onun üzerine çılgınca sallanan kuyruklar ve bu arada bir yandan kahvaltı hazırlamalar, bir yandan servise yetişen çantalar, bir yandan acilen çişe cıkması gereken köpekler, bir karmaşa bir güne hazırlık koşturmasıdır sürer gider. Son 2 yıldır, ancak arabaya bindiğimde tuvalete gitmeyi unutmuş olduğumu farkettğin günler oldu. Her sabah için 2 çocuk, 2 köpek çok mutlu aile tablosu çizecek halim yok. Çizenlere de ayrıca gıcık oluyorum. Herkesin her an mutlu olmasını beklemek imkansız. Ancak evimizin küçük fertlerinden ve ortamdan tek eksik olmayan bitmek tükenmek bilmeyen enerjidir.

İşte bu günlerde evimizin bir ferdinde bu enerji maalesef yok. 11 senedir her eve geldiğimde sanki günlerdir beni görmemişçesine üstüme atlayan, sabah alarmdan sonra 2 dakika uyusam protestolarıma aldırmadan anında yalayan, her buzdolabına gittiğimde yanımdan ayrılmayan köpeğim Buffy sabah kalkmıyor, yemek yemiyor, ve vücudunu saran kansere karşı artık çok da sağlam duramıyor.

Her evcil hayvan sahibinin korktuğu o “karar” gününün cevabı işte bende her sabah Buffy’nin gözlerinde aranıyor. Sadece evcil hayvan sahiplerinin anlayabileceği o gözlerdeki herşeyi bilen anlamlı bakışın arkasında artık gitme zamanının gelip gelmediğini sorguluyorum. Dün veterinerde 5 saat geçirdikten sonra, karar gününün çok da uzak olmadığını biliyorum.

4 sene önce annemi akciğer kanserine kaybetmiş ve birebir tedavisinde bazı zamanlar kararları kendi başıma verme zorunluluğunda kalmak zorunda olmuş olsam bile, Tanrı’yı oynamak sorumluluğumuzdaki herkes için çok zor, bu bir hayvan olsa bile.

20 yıldır hemen hergün evimde bir köpeğim oldu. İlk yıllarda insan onların duygularının, hislerinin bizimle aynı olduğunu düsünüyor. Sonra 100lerce köpeği barınaklardan kurtardıktan, evimde çok fena durumdaki köpekleri iyileştirdikten, bazını iyileştiremedikten sonra onların dünyasının çok farklı olduğunu anladım. Köpek ve insan ilişkisinde 2 değişmez kural var “karşılıksız sevgi” ve “sahiplik sorumluluğu”. Kimin karşılıksız sevgi verme konusunda kapasitesi olduğunu söylemeye gerek yok. Maalesef ben dahil kimse, evlatlarımızı bile severken köpeklerin dünyasındaki karşılıksız sevgiyi sorgusuz sualsiz verme kapasitesinde değil. Hergün dayak yiyen, bahçenin bir köşesine atılmış, aç bırakılmış hayvanlar geldi evime. Havlulara, pamuklara sarıp baktık. Yine de ilk günler sahipleri evleri için ağlayıp uludular. İşte bu nedenle, bir köpeğin en temel ihtiyacı ona ev, yemek ve huzur sağlayabilecek bir sahiptir. Belki de biz “kırık” insanların da en büyük ihtiyacı “karşılıksız sevgi” olduğundan köpek insan ilişkisi yüzyıllardır sürer. Maalesef de bu ilişkide kurala uymayan yine çoğunlukla insandır.

Buffy 100lerce köpek arasında kendi sahsına munhasır özellikleri olan bir köpek. Bunların en önemlisi bitmek tükenmek bilmeyen bir iştah, koşma ve oynama ihtiyacı ve sarsak bir mutluluk geliyor. Ama bugunlerde bunların hiçbiriyle işi yok.

İşte maalesef bu günlerde sabah beni çok hasta ve gözleri “gitmeye hazır” bir köpek karşılıyor…

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Dali and socks…

socks-ferda21

Here are the socks I made for my best friend… She has always been the one behind me, supporting me, kind of like “the wind under my wings” since we met when we were 11…

Red lips and exposed breasts in the background. Freud would love this picture...

Red lips and exposed breasts in the background. Freud would love this picture...

My Mom asked my friend to take me to the Dali exhibit when I visited her back in November. We visited the Picasso Exhibit in the same museum with my Mom a few years back and had a great time. I guess she knew how much I wanted to go. So after she passed away my friend told me my mother’s wish and on my 2nd day in Istanbul, while I had so much stuff to take care of instead we went to the Sabanci Museum to see the Dali Exhibit. It was a rainy day… a very very rainy day… we first ate at the museum restaurant Muzechanga-which is a bit pricey but nevertheless has impressive food- and we only had 2 hours to see the exhibit before closing. They brought so many pieces and we kind of walked through everything really fast. In the bottom floor, there were illustrations of some of his later work, and the red “lipstick sofa” was the perfect spot for a photo opportunity. It was taken using a cell phone by a security guard and no flash… this photo reminds me so much about my love for my friend, my love for my mother, my feelings of her loss and pushing to move forward in life… I guess this kind of explains “the wing beneath my wings”… sometimes we just need a good friend to pick us up, and take us through life… I am so lucky to have her…

So fittingly… The first ever socks I made goes to her… I started them on the plane. -who needs “personal video device” when you have sock knitting project with you?-. I am not sure if she can wear them since I never made one for myself, but I still wanted her to have them. They came out pretty good I think. The yarn is Koigu Premium Merino #821. I used 1.5 skeins. It was very easy to knit with and it’s a very high quality yarn. You can find the pattern for free here.

Dali would have liked the color of the socks I think…

back up has arrived…

Grandma is here… E’s Mom arrived yesterday and the kids are just happy, happy, happy… There is one more person that is happier.. and that would be me… After I had my kids, it made more sense why for generations families lived in the same house with their elderly… Grandparents are just so wonderful and crucial to help raise the kids. They are just built-in support systems…

Here’s a wonderful nanny ad that would describe the work of a dedicated grandparent:

“Educated, young family looking for a nanny for 22 month old twins. The right person should be willing to work from 7am-8pm… There is no guarantee that the work at hand will be done by 8pm. There is a possible 2 hour break from 12-2pm where you can go to the bathroom, eat and smoke a cigarette, or have coffee. However during that break you need to clean up the toys and clutter, do the dishes and laundry.
During the day you are required to be on foot at most times… you have to serve and plan 3 meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner.. and your customers will be picky and whiny…You also need to change diapers at least 12 times a day… the right person needs to be creative in play, has to know children’s songs and be willing to sing the same song more than 5 times… last but not the least, there is no monetary payment. Your payments will be paid in terms of slobber, dirt and food on your clothes.. once in a while hugs and kisses will be given at the toddlers’ wish… The family is desperate need of help and looking for the right person”…

So if there are any women/mothers out there reading… become good friends with your mother in law and your mother… you will need help… they are willing to do the job, if you are willing to cooperate… even the best nannies cannot be there for you all the time, and most of the time they are not as willing as the grandparents to do the job… grandparents just jump on all opportunities to interact with a baby, a toddler, a teenager… as long as the child shows them a little bit of attention…

I feel like, this is one of those times that a child needs their parents again… I didn’t feel like I was dependent on my parents since I went to college, until I gave birth… and for weeks… just today, I took a much needed morning nap while grandma played in the background with the kids.. it’s so funny, my kids have not been around their grandparents that much.. but they ask for them each day.. and when they see their grandparents they have hugs, kisses and lots of things to share… they know and feel that they are loved… my kids are good with their babysitters, but they still come to me and ask for my attention when we have sitters. When there are grandparents around though kids could care less if I am giving them any attention or not…

So back up has arrived… we are so happy and we all love E’s Mom. She brings much joy and energy to our house each time she comes to visit us.

For those of you wondering about E’s health… We went to E’s doctor yesterday and his arm is healing well. He is back at his old self… At one point, he was so pale and he had so much bruising on his body that I got very very worried… but this week he is a different man. As his usual self, he rejects all forms of help and tries to do everything with one hand. He has even been playing his video games for the past 2 nights… He also attempted to get into the shower (tub shower that is) by himself and got burnt a bit my me… I don’t need a man with a broken arm and a cracked skull…

As far as knitting and cooking goes… I have 4 knitting projects that I need to post… The more stress I have, the more productive I am in my knitting… I have 2 afghans, a pair of socks and a cardigan that I will be posting. My photographer has a broken arm and cannot take photos with a left hand??? The back up photographer has been helping me as the right arm of the 1st photographer so he couldn’t take pictures either… I am hoping this week, we will get things going on this blog as well…

As for cooking… I have been doing lots of it this week. Makes me feel so normal again… Just need to make time to take photos…

Until next time,

g.

good bye…

Mom's birthday...

Mom's birthday. September 2008, Istanbul.

I thought whether I should write this blog post or not… I actually had 1 more post prior to this when Mom was spending more time being sick then being well… I decided against publishing that post…

But I know many of my friends who read this blog wonder about my Mom’s health and they just cannot ask me all the time… and they also wonder how I am coping… so here’s a long post about the subject and probably I will go back to my knitting, cooking posts from now on…

My Mom has finished her “mortal” life last Wednesday morning, Istanbul time. We got the news Tuesday night at 10pm our time… That day around 5pm, while playing, M asked for grandma… which is not that weird, since we go through pictures almost on a daily basis so that the kids can know their relatives, close friends back home and won’t forget faces. Then around 8pm, while changing sheets I felt something, some form of peace then some form of sadness… But I have been going through so many emotions for the past few months, I didn’t think too much of it… That same day I had a plane ticket to Istanbul that was purchased a month ago. Then Mom didn’t want me to come, I was planning to take the kids to see her and spend time and celebrate the New Year. She just didn’t want us to go…

I have been a proud daughter… It was an honor to be brought up by Mom. If I had a chance to choose, and maybe I did, I would have chosen Mom again. We were a good match. We got along pretty good, she said I have always been a good kid from the start. I think we just were a good match. Because I can be a pain in the neck at most times, and I don’t have an easy personality… So I just cannot imagine being an “easy” baby or child. But Mom has just been so cool about my tantrums and when people don’t get worked up by my tantrums I am managable… I calm down easily… My tantrums usually last 30 seconds to 1 minute I think. So my Mom mostly told me to either “calm down you are exaggurating” or just ignored me and told me “aggression” was something I inherited from my Dad’s side and that there was nothing we could do about that problem… 🙂

Mom had a hard childhood… Very hard that I don’t want to get into details here. She didn’t share the information with most people and only with people she knew well… She lost her father when she was 3 years old and things went downhill from there… She has been on her own after 15 years of age… She met Dad when she was 28 and from then I think she had a pretty good life… She loved life and her life would make a good movie if one can portray her well… She knew life and was mostly OK with the things it threw at her and our family… She lived by the belief that as long as we had each other as a family and as long as we were healthy there was no reason to be unhappy. She was a happy, genuine and wise person…

At times when I had trouble… I would whine and bitch about things or life in general. She would listen and summarize it in a sentence… and mostly I would know that I was dwelling in details that made no sense… She just knew how to teach life to a child, a teenager, a grown up woman. She didn’t have long “advise sessions” like Dad, but rather short sentences or advise at the right time… Of course she had the typical mother breakdowns when we were little… she was not perfect… she also wouldn’t let us do this or that, that made us upset… I would do the same things to my kids though, your parent is supposed to be a parent first, then a friend.

I have no regrets… Mom lived life fully and I have no regrets as a daughter. There is nothing that I would have done differently if I was given the opportunity. We always knew we loved each other and didn’t sweat the small stuff… I learned so much about building a “female relationship” from Mom that I was able to have great girlfriends… I didn’t have too much trouble in my role as a mother, because I tried to do what Mom did… I just followed her steps and so far my kids are mostly happy and healthy…

My Mom was a private person… a woman of few words to people who she didn’t know… She hated big funerals which happened frequently in our hometown… She loved my friends visiting when I was in highschool and when I went back home… She loved a crowded house with friends… She had a very small funeral that my Dad tried to keep private and my friends who heard were able to attend…

So how am I coping? I think I am coping as well as I can… After the first hour I heard about it, I asked my husband to start the movie that was stopped after the phone call. He told me that I reacted like my Mom. If there was nothing that can be done she always thought it was best to go on with life as it should… The natural way was the best way to follow… She always thought “death” was as natural as “birth”… And she was always in good terms with natural things… As I mentioned before she somehow seemed to know the “rules of the game of life” which most people struggle to figure out. I am just upset that I will miss her very much… That she would have made a darn good grandmother and my kids will not even remember her… they won’t remember her cooking, how her eyes sparkled when she saw them… But I am also glad I had her for 35 years… I don’t think I have the right to be upset or angry. My Mom was a “planner”. She planned everything. Our house was always organized, she always had 3 meals planned, shopping done, things taken care of without our knowledge… And she had a calm and cool about all these things when she did them. She was a “virgo” woman… Organized, wholesome, practical… If there was any planned day to die, she died on that day. She died on a day that I don’t have to work when I live in any Western country. She died on the day that my 2 other aunts died so the family can come together… She died on the day when we can all go visit her and celebrate her life if we choose to… she also died at the time when I cannot attend her funeral… which I have no regrets… if there was one day that I didn’t look forward to, that is the day of my Mom’s funeral…

Knowing what I knew about Mom, I think she is at a very good place. That she is very happy… She just was a happy soul…I think she had graduated from the “test of life” with flying colors. I think when we die there is always the “relief” that our soul finally reaches… The body is very limited… it’s imperfect and mortal… whereas the soul is limitless, it learns, develops and shines… As humans we are limited to our 5 senses and tend to think that we dissappear when we die… but “what a waste” it would have been if the creator has gone through so much trouble to build the “life” to have our souls live for a limited amount of time… and to create such a challenging world, just so perfect… so limitless but within limits… What a waste if Mom’s soul has dissappeared with the moment of “death”… she had learned and taught so much in life, it just makes sense for it to continue on a different, much better level… she just deserves it… so I tend to believe and she believed that we were greater than life… That as humans we were limited, but as souls we were not… It was her time, a time well planned… when she knew I probably didn’t need her that much, that my life was so frantic, busy with kids, busy with life in general that I would have taken her loss well… I think if she had to choose, that she also chose or faith chose cancer as the way of death, that gave me a chance to go back home for 4 months to just spend time together… and gave a chance for everyone around her to just enjoy her while she was with us… I have to admit, cancer kicked our butt as a family… just caused so much bodily suffering for her… I would have wished otherwise, but it was what we were given and we made the best of it I guess. I am just glad she is no longer confined to the limits of her body.

Mom was a woman of plans and organization. I am almost sure her place in the other life is pretty good, that it smells good, and feels like home already… I am sure she is organizing, decorating and maybe cooking wonderful things even there (if the souls still enjoy food in afterlife, which I hope we will continue to do)… and that one day she will meet me when my time comes and we will reunite again… Until then, I have a family to take care of… a wonderful husband and 2 curious, energetic wonderful kids that give me so much joy each day… I only wish I could be half the mother my Mom was and will have a chance to be with my kids as long…

Good bye Mom, you will be sorely missed…

Move blog…piece of cake…

So the Turkish government banned access to blogger… and reopened access to wordpress I read… Friends from Turkey, please let me know if you can read my blog on here… I will be posting under this address for a while…

I have to say the process was so very easy… if you have a blog under blogger and want to carry it to wordpress, everything is imported in a matter of minutes. Sign up for wordpress took 5 minutes with 2 email authorizations… then under posts, there is an icon on the top that says “import”… You click on blogger, or whatever other source your blog is on, and then click on authorize. I signed up for wordpress with my gmail account, so they might have already had my username and didn’t ask for it… but anyway, after 30 seconds all my posts were on here, with pictures, comments and everything…
I hope friends in Turkey will be able to read… Please leave a comment if you can, so I can post about Turkey day aka Thanksgiving and other developments!!!

Lukewarm waters…

Last week, I decided to continue my blog in Turkish. I thought noone was reading it, so I wanted to make it easier on myself. So why am I writing if noone is reading huh?? Well, I kept journals when I was in high school, that noone ever read… I actually write deeper when there is not an audience. Anyway, then a non-Turkish speaker good friend of mine sent me an email this week, telling me that she read my last entry, and that she really liked it… so here we go again, continuing in English. I apologize for the countless grammar and spelling errors, when I don’t write in my native language, I feel like I sound like an 8 year old. I also just don’t have the time to proof read anything. I appreciate any feedback though, if you see anything that is out of place let me know. If you can make sense of it, just don’t bother and keep on reading…

Most of you have been wondering and asking about my mother’s health. Thank you all so very much for your support and well wishes. I guess I am one of those who say things as it is. But it took a while for me to come to terms with her situation. It has been about 3+ months and I guess right now I am more level headed about it. I guess time helps all even getting used to living with cancer.

Here’s the technical stuff as it is. It’s lukewarm news for us… there are good news… then we have some bad news… Mom responded very well to first 2 rounds of chemo. She also had a gamma knife procedure on a brain tumor. That tumor is gone altogether… So technically that might now bring her cancer stage to IIIb I guess. (it was stage 4) I am not a doctor but I like to think about it that way. The primary tumor in her lung is reduced in half after the first 2 rounds. It’s about 2cm now. -such a small but strong enemy in her beautiful body-. However, we didn’t get the same response to chemo #3 and #4. It’s still the same, not smaller… but not bigger either… Her doctor stopped chemo for now, and now she in on a cancer drug… a new amazing pill, that costs a fortune, yet again, our hope for a cure…

On the emotional side of things, we had a few tears this week. We are now experts at reading MRI reports, and we can even make sense of the medical terms… Mom always felt good about her treatment, stayed very strong and didn’t get that much affected by chemo. She was tired for 2-3 days, then she was up on her feet running after 2 very active toddlers. Feeding, changing diapers, waking up at 5am to fix breakfast and just being a wonderful grandmother… After this week’s sour news, she has slowed down a bit for about eerrr.. one day…

We no longer have our babysitter to help us. She is back to school and of course there is no room for feeling sorry for ourselves. Life goes on in this house… M & A wake up like clockwork at 7, they like to chit chat and exchange toys while sitting in there crib, but they are ready for breakfast at 8:00 By 8:30 we have 2 very messy toddlers who need to be diaper changed, hands and face washed. We also place them in their playpen with much rejection so we can clean up the olives, feta cheese, numerous forms of bread (chewed, half chewed, split), and pieces of fruit from the floor. While do the dishes and they are screaming to be rescued from the playpen. By 9:00 they are running around the house like crazy. “Don’t touch that”… “no… no.. nooo, that’s grandpa’s laptop”… A likes to run around with a whole garlic in his hand he also likes to get a few bites from it. While M likes to push her tricycle in the house with her stuffed bunny sitting on the saddle. By 9:30 we are pretty tired.. but it goes on like this with a few diapers to clean with a few snacks, a few rounds of playing music, clapping hands, dancing, reading books etc. By 10 we have milk and it’s time for a morning nap…

I am not going to continue with the afternoon routine… but we have a very busy 7am-8pm schedule. Our employers are very strict, no error is excused, they are specific about their meals, and they are very demanding about their wants and needs!

Shortly, I continue to be a full time mother and grandma continues to be the queen bee. She is here and and after a while we don’t care about what’s going on in her body. M&A love to touch her bold head and they try to even comb the few fuzzy hairs on there. For them she is just grandma, who spoils them rotten… and for now that’s how we like it to be…

Hugs,

g.

Summer 2008!!!

I am not going to even mention writer’s block… I guess this will be the “norm” for my blogging adventure… An update every 4 months. Can I please call it “the quarterly report”? Or I can always have a summer vacation excuse…

I am at a very strange point in time in my life right now. I have been at my parents house since June.

It’s been years since I didn’t have a summer vacation. Couple of years ago, E told me that he missed summer vacations. I didn’t understand him. Summer vacations were left so far behind for me. The last one I had was in freshman year in college. Even that summer I worked at my father’s office. However, after becoming a Mom or even before than I have been stripped from my career woman pants. I was going to be one of those Moms who worked until birth, then would probably send the kids to daycare after 3 months. However, the kids taught me real early that they have their own set of plans. (welcome to parenthood 101) They decided to make an entrance when I was 24 weeks pregnant. We “shooshed” them away and I was immediately put on bedrest for 11 more weeks until I gave birth. After that I cannot really say my productivity at workplace increased much. 4 months on bedrest, then 2 months at home. Then back to work for a month, then I spent 8 weeks with my family last year. I also decided I can take the kids to work to save some money (wink, wink… I didn’t want to be away from them during the day)… We were on track to get some babysitters in line and I was just getting my sealegs at work, we got the unfortunate news that my Mom has been diagnosed with lung cancer in June.

We weren’t even planning to visit family in Turkey this year. After we got the news we came home immediately.

I cannot help but feel that I am on vacation. I try my best not to lose my identity as a working woman, but each day I feel more and more embedded in my stay-at-home mother role. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful husband who takes care of our family while I am spending time with my mother. She is going through 4 rounds of chemo. As everyone mentioned the first 6 weeks were very hard for us. With 2 toddlers in tow, I couldn’t help with anything while she was in and out of the hospital. Since the 2nd week of July we are having a great time when my Mom feels well. We have a routine very similar to our summertime routine when we were kids. The routine is, we wake up with the kids’ morning cheer (or scream) then we continue until we are tired! We have 4 women, including myself cooking everything in the house. We talk about a menu in the morning and by noon we have tons of food. I go to the organic food bazaar every Saturday. I make 4 rounds to the car just to carry the stuff. Most of our life revolves around food and the kids. Since I am not the “mother” of the house things are different for me here. I am a mother, still chasing my 2 little ones. But I have very different responsibilities in my parents house. I am more of a sidekick rather than the real deal. I am very happy that my mother is still the queen mother, and we have to obey her rules.

One of my brothers lives about 200 yards from us. My aunt is here to help. We have cousins visiting. We have a 10 pm ice cream party. -we had to give it a name after we had it everynight for 10 straight days-. It’s such a different environment than what we have back in the US, I sometimes wake up and think I had a strange dream.

In reality, there are many days where I question how much time I have left with my mother. I am definetely not ready to lose her. I don’t think I have even been a “mother’s girl” type of person, but the love I have for my mother is very strong. And I cannot even imagine a world without this person. There is so much she still teaches me everyday. I need her to help me to be a mother, to be a good wife and to be a good person. Then there are days where I even question my stupidity to question life, where we don’t even know how much time we have here. I hug and kiss my kids… I hug and kiss my mother… As one of my friends mentioned I “remember that we are just passing through”… Then I miss my husband and my home terribly but just try to think that it’s for the “summer”. I look forward to the few weeks I will have with him to enjoy the end of the summer.

I am having a very strange summer. Life is passing by and I can feel it in my bones. I am hoping things will continue to go well for my family and I will look back and cherish these wonderful summer days we spent here…