good bye…

Mom's birthday...

Mom's birthday. September 2008, Istanbul.

I thought whether I should write this blog post or not… I actually had 1 more post prior to this when Mom was spending more time being sick then being well… I decided against publishing that post…

But I know many of my friends who read this blog wonder about my Mom’s health and they just cannot ask me all the time… and they also wonder how I am coping… so here’s a long post about the subject and probably I will go back to my knitting, cooking posts from now on…

My Mom has finished her “mortal” life last Wednesday morning, Istanbul time. We got the news Tuesday night at 10pm our time… That day around 5pm, while playing, M asked for grandma… which is not that weird, since we go through pictures almost on a daily basis so that the kids can know their relatives, close friends back home and won’t forget faces. Then around 8pm, while changing sheets I felt something, some form of peace then some form of sadness… But I have been going through so many emotions for the past few months, I didn’t think too much of it… That same day I had a plane ticket to Istanbul that was purchased a month ago. Then Mom didn’t want me to come, I was planning to take the kids to see her and spend time and celebrate the New Year. She just didn’t want us to go…

I have been a proud daughter… It was an honor to be brought up by Mom. If I had a chance to choose, and maybe I did, I would have chosen Mom again. We were a good match. We got along pretty good, she said I have always been a good kid from the start. I think we just were a good match. Because I can be a pain in the neck at most times, and I don’t have an easy personality… So I just cannot imagine being an “easy” baby or child. But Mom has just been so cool about my tantrums and when people don’t get worked up by my tantrums I am managable… I calm down easily… My tantrums usually last 30 seconds to 1 minute I think. So my Mom mostly told me to either “calm down you are exaggurating” or just ignored me and told me “aggression” was something I inherited from my Dad’s side and that there was nothing we could do about that problem… ­čÖé

Mom had a hard childhood… Very hard that I don’t want to get into details here. She didn’t share the information with most people and only with people she knew well… She lost her father when she was 3 years old and things went downhill from there… She has been on her own after 15 years of age… She met Dad when she was 28 and from then I think she had a pretty good life… She loved life and her life would make a good movie if one can portray her well… She knew life and was mostly OK with the things it threw at her and our family… She lived by the belief that as long as we had each other as a family and as long as we were healthy there was no reason to be unhappy. She was a happy, genuine and wise person…

At times when I had trouble… I would whine and bitch about things or life in general. She would listen and summarize it in a sentence… and mostly I would know that I was dwelling in details that made no sense… She just knew how to teach life to a child, a teenager, a grown up woman. She didn’t have long “advise sessions” like Dad, but rather short sentences or advise at the right time… Of course she had the typical mother breakdowns when we were little… she was not perfect… she also wouldn’t let us do this or that, that made us upset… I would do the same things to my kids though, your parent is supposed to be a parent first, then a friend.

I have no regrets… Mom lived life fully and I have no regrets as a daughter. There is nothing that I would have done differently if I was given the opportunity. We always knew we loved each other and didn’t sweat the small stuff… I learned so much about building a “female relationship” from Mom that I was able to have great girlfriends… I didn’t have too much trouble in my role as a mother, because I tried to do what Mom did… I just followed her steps and so far my kids are mostly happy and healthy…

My Mom was a private person… a woman of few words to people who she didn’t know… She hated big funerals which happened frequently in our hometown… She loved my friends visiting when I was in highschool and when I went back home… She loved a crowded house with friends… She had a very small funeral that my Dad tried to keep private and my friends who heard were able to attend…

So how am I coping? I think I am coping as well as I can… After the first hour I heard about it, I asked my husband to start the movie that was stopped after the phone call. He told me that I reacted like my Mom. If there was nothing that can be done she always thought it was best to go on with life as it should… The natural way was the best way to follow… She always thought “death” was as natural as “birth”… And she was always in good terms with natural things… As I mentioned before she somehow seemed to know the “rules of the game of life” which most people struggle to figure out. I am just upset that I will miss her very much… That she would have made a darn good grandmother and my kids will not even remember her… they won’t remember her cooking, how her eyes sparkled when she saw them… But I am also glad I had her for 35 years… I don’t think I have the right to be upset or angry. My Mom was a “planner”. She planned everything. Our house was always organized, she always had 3 meals planned, shopping done, things taken care of without our knowledge… And she had a calm and cool about all these things when she did them. She was a “virgo” woman… Organized, wholesome, practical… If there was any planned day to die, she died on that day. She died on a day that I don’t have to work when I live in any Western country. She died on the day that my 2 other aunts died so the family can come together… She died on the day when we can all go visit her and celebrate her life if we choose to… she also died at the time when I cannot attend her funeral… which I have no regrets… if there was one day that I didn’t look forward to, that is the day of my Mom’s funeral…

Knowing what I knew about Mom, I think she is at a very good place. That she is very happy… She just was a happy soul…I think she had graduated from the “test of life” with flying colors. I think when we die there is always the “relief” that our soul finally reaches… The body is very limited… it’s imperfect and mortal… whereas the soul is limitless, it learns, develops and shines… As humans we are limited to our 5 senses and tend to think that we dissappear when we die… but “what a waste” it would have been if the creator has gone through so much trouble to build the “life” to have our souls live for a limited amount of time… and to create such a challenging world, just so perfect… so limitless but within limits… What a waste if Mom’s soul has dissappeared with the moment of “death”… she had learned and taught so much in life, it just makes sense for it to continue on a different, much better level… she just deserves it… so I tend to believe and she believed that we were greater than life… That as humans we were limited, but as souls we were not… It was her time, a time well planned… when she knew I probably didn’t need her that much, that my life was so frantic, busy with kids, busy with life in general that I would have taken her loss well… I think if she had to choose, that she also chose or faith chose cancer as the way of death, that gave me a chance to go back home for 4 months to just spend time together… and gave a chance for everyone around her to just enjoy her while she was with us… I have to admit, cancer kicked our butt as a family… just caused so much bodily suffering for her… I would have wished otherwise, but it was what we were given and we made the best of it I guess. I am just glad she is no longer confined to the limits of her body.

Mom was a woman of plans and organization. I am almost sure her place in the other life is pretty good, that it smells good, and feels like home already… I am sure she is organizing, decorating and maybe cooking wonderful things even there (if the souls still enjoy food in afterlife, which I hope we will continue to do)… and that one day she will meet me when my time comes and we will reunite again… Until then, I have a family to take care of… a wonderful husband and 2 curious, energetic wonderful kids that give me so much joy each day… I only wish I could be half the mother my Mom was and will have a chance to be with my kids as long…

Good bye Mom, you will be sorely missed…

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6 responses to “good bye…

  1. God bless her soul…and you, for the woman and mother you are…

  2. Sevgili G├Âk├že,
    De─čerli annene tanr─▒dan rahmet, sizlere sab─▒r diliyorum. Bu Ate┼č d├╝┼čt├╝─č├╝ yer ├žok fena yak─▒yor ne yaz─▒k ki. Kolun kanad─▒n k─▒r─▒lm─▒┼č hissediyorsun. Hi├žbir s├Âz├╝n ac─▒n─▒ hafifletmeyece─čini de biliyorum. ├çok ├╝zg├╝n├╝m. Ba┼č─▒n sa─čolsun.

  3. Gokcecim,
    Anneni kaybettigini blogundan ogrendim. Huzur ve nur icinde yatsin. Allah sizlere sabir versin. O kadar guzel yazmissin ki hic gormedigim anneni taniyor gibiyim.

  4. can─▒m benim basin sagolsun.. annenin mekani cennet olsun. uzuntulerini derinden paylasiyorum.

  5. Gina,
    Your mother gave you so much in her 35 years with you.
    As the days, weeks, and years continue forward, she will continue to “give” you as you remember all the little nuances that you picked up from having a life with her.
    Sounds like a wonderful mother.
    And a wonderful daughter.

  6. Sevgili Arkadasim,
    Kaybinizi yeni ogrendim. Duygularini oyle guzel ifade etmissin ki, gozlerim dolu dolu bir solukta okudum. Ne mutlu sana; 35 yili bu kadar ozel bir anneyle paylasmis, yasami ondan ogrenme firsati bulmussun. Evlatlarinizla saglikli bir yasam diliyorum. Sevgilerimle.

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